Piece of Potato

 

Shalom, y'all. It's gonna be a long one today. Get ready to lose even more brain cells. 

And to begin the brain-cell loss, let's get right into it with a new segment I like to call "Strange Snippets." These quotes, usually overheard by my obnoxious eavesdropping, are now written down for your enjoyment. 

We'll begin with my friend, Shloims, who proudly declared about the road: "It's fleeting like a...piece...of...potato!" And then she had this smug smile on her face after she spoke like she had said something incredibly intelligent. 

Next up is another friend, who will remain nameless, who so eloquently stated, "I always slap the back of people's hands because I'm self-conscious about my clammy hands."

Said friend also, to a brilliant observation made by yours truly ("I can see your face and you can't), replied, "What an odd flex."

There's quite a popular saying: "No atheists in a fox hole." Well, my friend upped that proverb with the "No atheists in computer science." (This was in response to a long discussion about Hashem and Echad and how 1 is true in computers.)

We love intelligent conservation. 

This week went by quite quickly. For Shabbos, I was in Maalot Dafna with Shana Aleph's brother and sister-in-law. I am always so impressed by people who are willing to have me over a second time. They must like working on their patience and other middos that are exercised whenever I'm around. 

Shabbos was lovely. Really enjoyed the company, the food, the conversations, the singing, the friends, the cute little child, and of course, the sleep. 

Breaking News! I was recently hiking (slowly walking) through the Qumran Caves (pronounced "bed-room") going through some ancient manuscripts (read: Microsoft Word Recently Viewed) and discovered two pieces of priceless literature. Unfortunately, I was unable to pinpoint exactly what era in which they were written, but it's clear from the conditions of the manuscripts that they both were written by people born in BC (Before Coroina). I must say, each poem moved me deeply, and I think it only right to share them with the world (read: all five of my readers). 

Without further ado, Poem 1, by Anon E. Miss

I have but one question

That’s quite mystifying

Think long and hard

Before replying

 

Who is Shana Aleph?

That is the query

And if you don’t know the answer,

Then hear my small theory

 

Come and bear with me

On a ride so mind-bending

Full of twists and turns

And maybe a surprise ending

 

Now let me repeat the question

For those who missed it before

Who is Shana Aleph?

Deep down in her core?

 

What makes her happy?

What makes her annoyed?

What does she love?

What does she try to avoid?

 

Is her soul as dark as coal,

As black as the winter night?

Her every whim so evil,

Her every aim to smite

 

Or is she a butterfly,

A fluffy teddy bear,

Her soul so full of love

Her heart so full of care

 

Or maybe somewhere in between

Neither angelic nor demonic

Sometimes sweet as buttons

And sometimes quite sardonic

 

To answer this question,

We must speak of days of yore

That started in October, ‘21

When I sat by Shana’s door

 

It had been a long day

Of unpacking and crying

I had walked for so long

My legs felt like dying

 

And so, I collapsed by a room

Occupied by this being

Who, until that moment,

I can’t remember ever seeing

 

She was unpacking

The floor a mess

She gave me her notes

To lessen my stress

 

“This is my hishtadlus,

So that my husband can learn.”

Were the words on her notes

That I could barely discern

 

And from that moment, I knew

Without any distortion

That this girl was a nut

Of epic proportion

 

And from that first meeting,

Things moved quite fast

Before I knew it

A few months had passed

 

And now we were playing cards

Awake till three in the morn

We were laughing and talking

A friendship had been born

 

And we watched Studio C

Instead of doing our work

And we read 12 Angry Men

Where juror 3 was a jerk

 

And we discussed Nosei Be’ol

Until Hudi acquiesced

And we ate chocolate twizzlers

For Shana is obsessed

 

And we read about Shprintza Genendel

Which was quite the tale

And we ate disgusting cookies

Because they were on sale

 

 

And we taught Hudi how to sing

Or at least Shana tried

And we looked at Shana’s passport

And laughed so hard we cried

 

With listening and learning

Talking and singing

With smiles and laughter

With Hudi’s phone that kept ringing

 

We discovered a relationship

A friendship, if you please

That took off right away

And continued with ease

 

And now let’s go back

And answer what was asked

Who is Shana Aleph?

Under her mask

 

Shana Aleph

Shana Bet

Shana Gimmel

Let’s not forget

 

Shana is a beautiful girl

Who deserves a beautiful vort

She wears awesome heels

Because she’s maybe a little short

 

She does the perfect harmony

Plays guitar and piano

She emails her Rabbis

And cuts hair like a pro

 

She works for Mr. Storch

Is the CEO of her own wing

And she has a magnet for her hairbrush

Which is the most extra thing

 

She always burns her popcorn

But eats it anyway

She’s a master at chess

And used to do ballet

 

So, in conclusion,

I am forced to confess

That Shana Aleph

Is kind of cool, I guess 

Okay everyone, I know, I know. You are as shocked as I am by the intricate and mystical description of this prehistoric creature "Shana Aleph." 

And just as you are feeling that you could not possibly be more inspired, you must read the second of the two manuscripts. Go get some tissues and prepare to replace William Shakespeare (okay fine, Dr. Seuss) as your favorite poet.

Poem 2, by Sue Duh Nimm

Hello everyone, I need to write a poem for my friend Hudi

But I’m finding it hard describing all of her personality

She’s of the shark-loving-grammar-nerd-blog-writing kind

And she only answers her phone once you call 3 times…

 

One thing is for sure, she speaks much better than I do

Oh- I’ll let her speak for herself! You’ll get to know her too!

 

“Found a cornflake in my closet, she was ‘mad about her toilet.’

promising a slow death if I didn't get there in five minutes.

If there's no proof that there is a G-d, then this is it. 

Mrs. Cohen-an esteemed Bnos Avigayil aim bayit”

 

“We all know that your breathing is super nerdy.

Hudicus, what did you do that is Nerdy Newsworthy?

Anywho, I made cookies. And now I am so many happies.

crying from the smell of the omelets all around me

…and promising to be his slave for all eternity”

 

Are you confused? Don’t be- these are hand-typed, you see

From our normal and balanced (read: crazy) friend- Hudi!

To really get to know someone, you gotta listen to them speak

So here ya go, let’s learn more about Hudi’s week:

 

“I was in Gaza...sorry, I meant Netivot.

psakot? psakim? psakiyot?

Free food is no joke.  I became a mountain goat this past week

we noticed this woman wearing literal unicorns on her feet

Today, my teacher told us such a sad story. I was literally crying.”

If I don't send another post, I’m probably sick from food poisoning.

Gaza, Netivot, practically the same thing

… pictures from her vort and examined her ring”

 

“Now, according to some, I will grow a tail, or my children will.

Shana Aleph and I annoyed the driver of the light rail.

She's engaged. Like to be married. “CalKillUs”

Glad we had this ted talk Good question, Augustus!”

I was practicing my aim so I could join the WNBA

Needless to say, I baked a lot on Wednesday

My brother, sister, and I had fun in the kitchen

Shana Aleph spent maybe 30 minutes dissecting a whole chicken”

 

 

Red hair, tall, freckles, no glasses (I think)

his tired eyes began to close and his body began to sink

There lived a Hoodie. It led a peaceful life.

dove into the mikveh to grab the wayward knife

Remember the mono, people. Remember the mono. 

I think that I will go soon and eat some avocado.

If you think that Hudicus should not be a garbageman, comment "no";

TOODLES FROM HOODLE’S friend, peace out, I’m gonna go 

I am having trouble deciding which one I love more. The real question is, who you think is the superior author: Sue Duh Nimm or Anon E. Miss? Comment below, if you dare. 

So, I hope you enjoyed the poems. And if you didn't, you're wrong. 

Toodles from Hoodles!